So for a long time, people have asked me why I’m not in a relationship. I’m not freakishly odd-looking and I have a pretty good social life and an OK job. So what’s missing? “A man!” they say. Nope. Couldn’t be further from the truth. If someone asked me right now what was missing from my life, what would complete my little sphere of happiness? A cat would be top of the wishlist. And here’s why…
1) They are fabulously low-maintenance.
I don’t want to have to do very much when I get in from work. It’s been a long day, I don’t want to walk a dog, or entertain another human being. I am pretty happy to come home to something that would take one look at me when I walk in the door and disregard me entirely. All it needs is food and water and it will basically look after itself. Don’t tell me a fish would do the same, those little bastards are too difficult to keep alive for my liking…
2) I’ll never be asked to make a sandwich.
Cats like one type of food and one type of food only. They don’t care if they get the same food day in, day out. In fact, they enjoy routine. There’s no chance that a cat will turn around at THE MOST AWKWARD moment and ask for a sandwich when you have no bread in the house. Nor will they complain if they get spaghetti Bolognese every Thursday. They’ll eat what they’re given and be bloody happy about it. Puuurfect!
3) They’ll never question what I’m wearing on a girls night.
High-waisted clothing is a godsend. Maxi dresses make us feel glamorous. And so help us, if we want to wear a crop top, I don’t need your opinion on my muffin top before I put it on. Too many times women have been put off rocking fashionable outfits on a girls night by their significant others ‘funny’ commentary. A cat wouldn’t give two shits. It will just sit there and ignore you as you get ready, only to look at you oddly when you ask their opinion. Perfect because we all know that a second opinion doesn’t matter really. Miaow to that.
4) Ditto for the food I eat.
So what if you’re hungover and you want a Chinese takeaway for breakfast at 11am on a Sunday? Moggy won’t judge. And if you’re not in the mood to be a grown up during the week and instead opt for alternating ice cream and breakfast cereal every day for dinner, they won’t judge then either. As you can tell, I don’t do the whole “adult” thing very well…
5) They always land on their feet.
When a cat falls over, not only is it generally highly amusing, but you’re pretty much guaranteed that they’ll walk it off and look a wee bit embarrassed. When a boyfriend falls over, well, let’s just call the ambulance straight away because the idiot has probably, actually injured himself and then you’ll be on sandwich duty FOREVER. And God help you if you laugh at a man who has fallen over. Pride takes a lot longer to recover from than a twisted ankle….
6) They’ll let you know when they’re mad at something straight away.
Men may say that women are bad at this, but to that I say HYPOCRISY. We have all been in the situation where a boyfriend has been the one dishing out the silent treatment. Whether it was something I did, said or if I laughed too hard when they made a fool of themselves (see No.5 above), things can sometimes turn to ice, but ever so gradually. With a cat, you’ll know the SECOND you’ve done something that they’re not 100% on board with. Generally expressed via the medium of teeth and claws, of course.
7) They provide you with just the right amount of neediness.
No guilt-trip texts on girlie holidays. No forlorn Saturday night Snapchats of their Xbox. And definitely no questions about who that random guy in the background of your new profile picture is. A cat literally could not give a shit about what goes on in your life. Unless things go bad because then they’ll allow themselves to be cuddled in a slightly over-zealous fashion for a limited period of time. Just enough that they give you comfort, but not enough to encourage you to wallow in self-pity. Also a voluntary kitty-cuddle makes you feel like the ultimate animal-tamer. There’s no such thing as too much feline love in the same way as there is with your other half. Boyfriends can be awesome sometimes but they can be stifling too.
So you all may be muttering unkind words about me under your breath. But don’t get me wrong, I am well aware of what my problem is. I am, you see, inherently selfish. I really do not want to have to invest as much time and effort into looking after something else as I do into myself. Cats understand this to the fullest extent. And I just feel like I need to be with someone, or something, more on my wavelength right now. So goodbye for now men because cats are the way forward for me. Soz, not soz.